


Asleep

by ChaoticAnxious



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scars, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:21:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23302333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticAnxious/pseuds/ChaoticAnxious
Summary: Sirius is having nightmares and Remus wants to know why.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 144





	Asleep

“Sirius,” Remus whispered, shaking him. “Sirius, wake up.”

Sirius jolted upright, gasping for breath. He blinked, trying to make sense of his surroundings. Remus is perched on the side of his bed, eyes wide with concern. “You okay, mate?”

Sirius closed his eyes and sighed, pressing his palm into his forehead. “I was screaming again.”

“Sirius--” Remus started.

“It was just a nightmare, Remus. Go back to bed.”

“That’s the third one this week.”

Sirius rubbed his eyes. “Sorry.”

“I’m not mad.”

Sirius didn’t say anything, just stared at his hands.

Remus sighed. “C’mon then.” He climbed back into his own bed, holding the covers open. Sirius slipped in after him and settled in. He rolled over so Remus couldn't see his face.

“Are you going to tell me what this is about?”

Sirius pulled his knees to his chest, but didn’t reply.

“I know you’re not sleeping.” No response. Remus pressed his forehead into the back of Sirius’s neck, and wished silently for caring about someone to be enough to keep them safe. He sighed and propped himself up on one elbow. He glanced around and just for a moment locked eyes with James, still under the covers across the room. Then James closed his eyes, and Remus was alone in the quiet of the dorm.

… 

The next few nights were peaceful, to Remus’s relief. Perhaps whatever had been giving Sirius nightmares had blown over on its own. Perhaps the lingering worry in the back of his brain was just irrational paranoia. So he focused on his studies, and his friends, and did his best to ignore the nagging voice insisting that something wasn’t right.

A week later, Remus found himself studying beneath the covers well after curfew. Exams were only two weeks away, and despite the reassurances of his friends and professors that he was well ahead of his class, he couldn’t shake the dread that crept into him any time he envisioned life past Hogwarts. His parents had tried their best to shelter him from the realities of the outside world, he was all too aware that few people would hire a werewolf. And so he kept his textbooks beneath his bed, pulled them out whenever the fear became too much to handle. He knew it was probably pointless, but it made him feel better to be doing something.

He was halfway through color-coding his notes on Vanishing Charms (red for key historical dates, purple for theoretical foundations, and yellow for practical applications) when he shifted slightly to scratch his knee. His elbow bumped his book, which slid a few inches along the mattress, sending his pot of ink tumbling over the side of the bed.

“Shit.” He peered over the edge of the bed, where the ink pot had shattered. There were shards of glass everywhere, and spattered ink was rapidly leaking into the floorboards. “Reparo.” The shards of glass fused back together, the ink lifting from the floor to fill the container. Remus breathed a sigh of relief, but then he paused as realization dawned on him. The glass had shattered. It should have been loud, possibly woken up his friends. But as he replayed the scene in his head, he realized he wasn't sure he'd heard the pot breaking. In fact, he was quite certain he hadn’t heard the ink hit the ground at all, and he had a hunch as to why. 

Remus leaned over the side of the bed, and knocked softly on the wooden floor. It didn’t make a sound. He hit the floor again, a bit harder this time. Still nothing. Hm. 

Remus sat up in bed and glanced around, searching. His eyes landed on his copy of Charms: A Practical Approach. He hefted it up with one hand, testing the weight of it. That would do. Remus swung his legs over the side of the bed and held the book out in front of him, so it was a few feet above the floor. He paused, braced himself slightly in anticipation, and let go. The thick textbook hit the ground hard enough that Remus could feel the reverberations in his bed frame, but it didn’t make a sound. Remus bit his lip, his suspicions confirmed. Oh, Sirius.

… 

Remus caught him in the corridor the next evening, on their way back from dinner. He snagged his elbow and half led, half dragged him to an out-of-the-way alcove. Up close, it was obvious Sirius hadn’t been sleeping. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his hair was greasy and uncombed. Remus cursed himself silently for not having noticed that sooner.

Sirius flinched slightly under Remus’s stare. “What the hell are you looking at me like that for?”

“You’re still having nightmares,” Remus accused.

Sirius glared at him, but didn’t deny it.

Remus frowned. “You’ve just been casting silencing charms at night so the rest of us wouldn’t notice.”

Sirius looked away, guilt written on his face. He fidgeted with the sleeve of his robes. “Maybe.”

Remus shook his head. “We’re your friends, Sirius. You don’t need to hide things from us.”

“I’m sorry,” Sirius mumbled. “I just didn’t want to keep waking you up.”

Remus gave him a half-smile. “I appreciate that. But hiding it doesn’t fix the problem. You’re clearly exhausted. You can’t just never sleep.”

Sirius crossed his arms and played with the hem of his sleeve.

Remus sighed. “Listen. Do you want me to come with you to ask Slughorn for some Dreamless Sleep?”

Sirius hesitated. “He’ll ask why.”

Remus stopped himself from pointing out that that was a fair question, given the circumstances. “We’ll tell him I’m worried about exams.” It wasn’t a lie.

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, and then nodded slowly. He stepped out of the alcove, Remus close behind. 

At first they walked to Slughorn’s office in silence, their footsteps resonating through the tower as they made their way down an endlessly spiralling staircase. It was the kind of easy quiet that comes only with familiarity, when someone is so much a part of you that just being around them is enough to make you feel whole. But despite that, Remus still had a few things he needed to say, away from prying ears. So when the pair were about halfway down to the dungeons, he stopped for a moment. “Sirius?”

Sirius paused, turning to face him. 

“I get that you don’t want to explain things to Slughorn. But if you ever do want to talk about it… Well. I can keep a secret. Okay?”

“Okay.”  
… 

Remus knew when Sirius ran out of Dreamless Sleep because he woke up late the next morning to Sirius curled up next to him in bed. He propped himself up on his elbow, watching Sirius’s eyelids flutter as he dreamt and mentally thanked whichever of his roommates had dispelled the alarm spell he’d cast last night. Sirius looked so much younger like that, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. Remus pulled the blanket over Sirius’s shoulders and he snored softly. Peter and James were long gone, probably at breakfast. They were going to be late if they didn't get up soon too, but Remus would be damned if he woke Sirius up right now. The Dreamless Sleep Slughorn had given them had helped, but it lost effectiveness if it was taken regularly, and Sirius was still looking far rougher around the edges than Remus was comfortable with. He was probably better off sleeping in. Remus, on the other hand, needed to get to class. He slipped out of the bed, moving slowly to avoid jostling Sirius. He grabbed fresh clothes from his trunk, and snuck silently off to the bathroom. 

He had a break around midday, just before Potions, so he stole a plate of sandwiches from the kitchens and made his way back to the Gryffindor dorms. He found Sirius sitting upright in the bed, still half-hidden under the sheets. His eyes were bloodshot and he was picking at the stitching at the edge of the blanket. 

Remus sat down on the edge of the bed and handed him the platter. “Sorry I didn't wake you. I figured you could use the rest.”

Sirius bit into a grilled cheese. “Thanks.”

Remus smiled at him, and stood to leave.

“Wait. Remus.” Sirius had found a loose thread in the blankets and was twisting it around his finger, watching his flesh turn white beneath it. He was silent for so long Remus began to think he had only imagined his name. Finally, Sirius whispered, “You know I didn’t go home for the holidays.”

“Yeah?”

“Well.” Sirius cleared his throat. “It was because I, um, I can’t.”

Remus narrowed his eyes. “What do you mean, ‘can’t’?”

Sirius pursed his lips, his fingers tying tiny knots in the thread. “Mum disowned me. Over the summer. Blasted me off the family tree and everything. And Dad--” Sirius stopped for a moment, took a deep breath. “Well, I wouldn’t be going home even if I could, so...”

“Oh.” Remus sat back down. “Is that what this is about?”

Sirius exhaled shakily. “Yes? Sort of? Summer’s coming. And I was thinking maybe I could talk to Dumbledore, stay in the castle until school starts up again. But even if he says it’s okay, it’s still-- I mean, I’m never going to see them again, you know? I know they’re awful and everything, but they’re my family.”

“Why didn’t this come up before?” Remus knew he’d stopped receiving owls from home, but that wasn’t exactly uncommon for the Blacks.

Sirius shrugged helplessly. “At first I just didn’t want to think about it. But then-- I think it’s the warmer weather, the memories...”

“You started having nightmares.”

Sirius nodded.

“Sirius, what happened?”

“I don’t--” Sirius’s voice broke off, and he shook his head.

“It’s okay. Sorry. It’s not my business”

Sirius shook his head again. “No, I just--” He took a shaky breath and started over. “Dad was going on again, about, y’know. Bad influences. He’s not a fan of you and James and Peter. It wasn’t-- I mean, I’d heard it all before. But this time, I don’t know why, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I lost it. I started yelling back about-- about Reg hanging out with Deatheaters and all. I’d never shouted back like that before. And he didn't even seem mad at first, he just got all quiet and calm so I thought it was over. But then-- then he--” Sirius stopped, his hands trembling violently. “Remus?”

“Mhmm?”

Sirius climbed out of bed and locked their door. He hesitated for a moment, his back still to Remus. His fists clenched and unclenched, as though that would stop his hands shaking. In one smooth motion, he pulled his shirt off over his head. 

Remus forced himself not to gasp. Crisscrossing Sirius’s back were dozens of scars, some straight and silver with age, other jagged and raised. He’d known Sirius’s home life was bad, but he hadn’t thought it was that bad. It wasn’t something Sirius had ever given details on, and they’d all known better than to press him.

“Are those all from last summer?” Remus tried to keep his voice level. He wanted to cry. He wanted to find Sirius’s father and rage at him for hours. But this wasn’t about him, and Sirius needed him to keep his composure, so he did his best to push the hurt and anger and fear away.

Sirius started to answer but he found his throat thick with tears. He hadn’t even realized he was crying. Instead, he turned and shook his head, unable to meet Remus’s eyes.

Remus was relieved to note Sirius’s chest wasn’t as badly marked, although there was one large white patch of scar-tissue across his ribs. He patted the bed next to him and Sirius sat, sniffling. “When did this start?”

“I don’t know. A long time ago. But it got worse once I was Sorted. And last summer--” Sirius put his hand over the scar on his ribs.

“Last summer?”

“Acid. I was asleep.” Sirius winced at the memory.

Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius's shoulders and let him rest his head on Remus's chest. "Thank you. For telling me." Sirius buried his face in Remus's shirt and Remus could feel the fabric growing damp from his tears. 

He rubbed Sirius's back in small circles, his fingers dancing over the scars as though they could erase the pain. “Have you told James?”

“No. But I’m pretty sure he knows. We were changing in the Quidditch locker room one time and my Glamour fell.”

"His parents adore you, you know. You might not have to stay at Hogwarts for the summer if you talk to him."

"No. I-- I wouldn't have this problem if I hadn't made him mad. I'm not going to ask them to take me in just because I was too stupid to keep my mouth shut."

Remus sighed, shaking his head. "It's not your fault, Sirius."

"It kind of is." Sirius mumbled.

"Sirius. You don't have to tell James if you don't want to. But it wasn't your fault." Remus squeezed his shoulder.

"Okay." Sirius whispered into Remus's shirt, but Remus could tell he didn't fully believe it.

Remus pulled away from the embrace and climbed back under the covers, holding them open in invitation. Sirius got into bed next to him, still sniffling. Remus wrapped his arm over him, pulling him in. He stroked Sirius's hair, and Sirius's eyes closed. "Sleep, okay?"

Sirius started crying again, quiet sobs that left him shaking. Remus held him close, making soft soothing noises. He kept his hand in Sirius's hair, running his fingers through the long black strands until Sirius's breathing grew quiet and even. They stayed there all through the afternoon, and when James and Peter picked the lock that evening they found the boys still curled up together, sound asleep.


End file.
